i give tours!

i have information about some famous people. this is information that not many other people would know. i was there in person with them. i saw them living and breathing. i rubbed elbows with them and i even had some awkward incidental hand contact with a person who's name you would all recognize.

now... all of that would be cool. if i didn't start telling you about it. at this point i have started down the path toward being a glory whore. just because i know the dealings of famous people doesn't mean that i should share them with any that would choose to read. celebs are human beings too... and my freakish obsession with them is not really acceptable or cool. but... people do think that the celeb life is cool. which it is. but it just shouldn't be such a huge deal to think about. i don't understand all these magazines and gossip television channels. it is cool to see benicio del toro on the street... but it is certainly not cool to know where he buys his hand cream. celebs are hot and they live interesting lives... but we need to get over it. we have to stop living vicariously through them. we can all lead exciting lives as well. i know because i have seen the way that celebs live first hand. there are lots of comfort things. there are lots of luxury things. but their lifestyles bog them down just like our lifestyles bog us down. and if any celebs happen to be reading this... then you can just feel like a commoner for a second while i explain the dynamics of how celebs are actually more like commoners than commoners believe you/them to be.

celebs live fantasy lives. everything about celebrities is kicked up a notch. the speed of their lives. the number of things that they have to do in the day is almost always a lot and it is magnified by being in the public eye. celebs live augmented lives. they have more money. they experience more pressure. there are always expectations. above and beyond the money they rake in in the fiscal year... they have to maintain their marketability. there are so many layers to celeb functioning. their fashion sense has to be on at all times. if you or i make some bad clothing or accessory choices our friends ridicule us for a few days... if a celeb makes a bad clothing or accessory choice they get put on lists and messages are posted on creepy message boards. as a celeb you always have to be thinking about your career. the people you fall in love with are part of you career. as commoners we can't even imagine that. it is like being royalty or something. the person that you fall in love with... or at least choose to enter into a relationship with is going to be part of your marketing landscape... it is going to be a factor in the equation that is celeb status. if you get involved with a hot nobody then you are illusive and even more chic. if you get involved with a hot celeb then you become a power couple... you are both included in the photo ops... that is so fucking awkward when you are freshly in love and the photographers tell your other to step out of the shot. do you oblige the photographers? do you stick with the gut feeling of your new burning love? do you hold them by your side? god i have seen some terrible looks of rejection in those situations. regardless, love is not the same for a celeb. there is so much expectation. these people have larger than life personas. it is hard to get intimate when you don't know who you can trust. paris got completely fucked over by being young and stupid. i made a sex video with my girlfriend when i was 18, not that i would sell it if she was famous... but i don't even have to worry about that... because she is not. well she kind of is... but i am not going to let any info slip on that. i mean in paris' case the sex tape helped her popularity... being a bohemian bad girl has done wonders for her. just watch her antics on the simple life. nicole ritchie is a little bit more open with the sexual dialogue... but they both exercise blatant disregard for the rules of conduct within social situations. it is so refreshing to see them let loose. that show is reality gold. we all know that reality television is all little bit over-bearing but some of the offerings in the genre are absolutely irresistible.

back to the woes of celebs. if you buy a nice house... the whole world knows about it. when you have children everyone is asking you questions and every choice that you make is the subject of mucho scrutiny. there is so much stress and so much image to maintain. as commoners we can not even imagine that baseline of stress. our trouble is based in the stresses of working and maintaining a good social life... but in the life of a celebrity... they are given more of a monetary reward for the things that they do... but their status makes it so that they are on the job anytime they leave the sanctity of their homes... or their private spas or whatever... you know what i mean. anything that involves being in public is automatically like being on the job. pictures are being snapped. fans are asking questions. and as gracious as any given celeb is willing to be there will always be a limit. every person wants to be able to relax and enjoy their life. if you wanted to go for a quiet afternoon in the east village... looking through thrift stores and bong shops you would not be able to experience the outing as a leisure activity. even if no one recognizes the celeb under a large hat and some sunglasses... there is still the worry that is going on underneath the disguise that they will be found out and photographed, or asked a million questions.

i don't know where this is going. all that i am saying is to think about the way that you think about celebrities. they are human beings. and even though they make tons of money, which is due in large part to their fan bases, they need to have leisure time too. they need to be out of the spotlight. they should not have to feel any worse about themselves than any person that makes bad choices. when a celeb fucks up it is like you or me fucking up. cut them some slack. lay off the gossip. stop asking questions about their children. enjoy their talents and praise or criticize them only if the situation is appropriate. it is not fair that they make a living doing their arts and other people make a living off of the way that they live their personal lives.

so... america! get a grip on yourselves. stop being so obsessed with celebs. their world is cool. but you will never get to experience it if you are so awe struck and lame that you choose to sniff jen aniston's butt hole instead of doing something with your life. everyone has talent. celebs have maximized their potential. look up to them. but try to avoid the freaky fetish stalking that is so common today. okay... that's all for now. susan sarandon rules!!!

and i just got fucked by a horse.

i sucked its massive cock too.