tainted by the notion that nothing is special. trust shouldn't be an issue because there is no reason to be consistent. trust issues? being nice? being an asshole? you only have to worry about those things if you want to exist in the realms of friendship, romance, and other actively fulfilling and engrossing human entertainment activities. but for those human beings that are not pussies. for those human beings that are willing to sacrifice sanity to display emotional autonomy, for everyone that accepts isolation as the way to go... you will be quite fine without the support network that pleasant social interaction provides.
so this goes out to all that use drugs...
to all that booze to make things easier...
to all that booze to have more fun...
to everyone that takes the easy way out.
i resent such an existence. i will still interact because i am too much of a pussy to take the hard line. i cannot give up the confidence-boosting/life-fulfilling set of activities that we call social relations. but i will continue to have panic attacks and hate myself for being unable to cut my ties. i don't even want to cut the ties. my gut reactions to isolation are not pleasant. however i will wage intellectual war on the code that dictates the format of my reactions to all the adverse stimuli. it would all be solved by something pleasant that had staying power. but nothing of that nature does have staying power... who said "trust issues?"? not to mention; this is a smashing good time. i often commit a specific typographical error when typing the word 'good'. i often type 'goof' instead of 'good'. common mistake ova hea. unfortunately finding other people that accept the absurdity to the point of quasi-isolation is very rare. and when those individuals do come around they are usually people that have been forced in to loneliness because of character flaws. there are seldom individuals with all the tools that choose this path. i do not know where i stand. i like to think that i am on a mission. but i just might be another one of those dick-farting failures. nothing against the homosexuals, that was merely a reference to the kind of person that tries to shove their own johnson into their own anal cavity after loosening the good old clowner with some household objects... making flatulence a bit less controlable.
the lack of sex is by far the worst part.
in our culture it is very hard to find sex after deciding to give up partying. there is no chance that any other social organizations will be joined. won't be attending any church group meetings, won't be faking alcoholism, won't be faking addiction, no book discussion clubs, no college campus groups, no student government, no difference making charities. there is no desire to show off the splendor of my moral character. i don't want to get mutual interest pussy. no mutually lonely... emotionally complicated... orgasm giving relationship.
so it all comes down to luck... and the luck used to be catapulted by booze. just go out and spout whatever comes to mind. smoke a joint, hit a bowl, hit a bong, rip a rail, ingest some pharmaceuticals. all in concert with alcohol of course... and after your cocktail has allowed you to settle into the party rhythm... go out and be your not-so actual self. be the thing that you have become with the substances in you. there is still something from the fiber of your character that maintains in this thing that you have become. you have a chance to mingle with the things that other people have become... and hopefully the remnants of your actual selves will have been enough to help you pair off with a person that you can enjoy when you regain consciousness... lying next to your early morning shit-faced fuck partner.
maybe you will hit it off. maybe things will change... take a turn for the better.
however... what i am saying... is that such a situation is no longer a possibility when you give up the booze and the drugs. this is followed by refusal to take sleep medication. refusal to medicate in general. and a form of all-out life crumbling.
this might actually be the easy road.
step it up. blah blah shimmy nuts.
2 comments:
Where did you get those images from?
they are from the work of a guy named Milo Manara.
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