objectification is meaningful

prepare.






i am thinking of a complete shift in my educational path. i truly believe that i have the eye for fashion. aesthetics have always been my thing. i am a good critical thinker.... but... i have been color-coordinating and function-planning since the onset of cognition. i don't think that i am a homosexual... but i certainly think that i could do a better job than the gang of cheerio snatchers on queer eye for the straight guy.... i mean part of the thing is that it is gay guys giving advice to straight guys... but if my fashion sense and my sense of aesthetics are better than theirs then why would i need them to gayify my life. it doesn't have to be queers helping straights... it could just be gifted straights helping plain straights.




regardless, i am thinking of going to design school. i am just finishing undergraduate and it is time to think about the next level. i am not sure how i am supposed to make the transition from philosophy to fashion... but i have confidence in myself. i may just be the next visionary.... well i can't be sure... but i have to have that attitude. so much of the fashion industry has to do with attitude and perseverance. i need to focus my efforts. i need to set goals and buckle down. at least with a career in fashion i will be engaged in creative endeavors at all times. i will be able to mingle with models and talk with millionaires. it will be a great atmosphere for my intellect and my sexual appetites.

i wonder what the sex-lives of models are like? they can obviously fuck almost any hot person that they desire. it might get a little weird with how emaciated some of the women are. really emaciated women are not attractive when they are naked... i wonder if they leave t-shirts on to fuck or something... maybe they just make the guys look at their faces and thrust really sensually. or maybe they are complete sluts and they have no shame about their ribs being out in the world... maybe they push their boney asses up in the air and take it like regular sluts. i am very curious. i wonder how a woman like alessandra ambrosio handles herself in the bedroom...


watching her perform fellatio... as the male receiving it... must be quite an experience... of course the lights would have to be low or she would have to have her usual cosmetic enhancements or it would have to be a not-so-acne heavy month or something.... but if she was looking pristine like she does in some photoshoots... then it would really be amazing to see her suck a cock... if she is good at it... and by good i mean confident, not awkward, smooth, etcetera.... because with her face and the way that women look with a cock in their mouth in general... it would be fucking amazing.

i am thinking about a series of portraits of beautiful women performing fellatio. well no... it wouldn't have to be true fellatio... it could be beautiful women in freeze frame positions that would happen in the act of fellatio... but they could have their mouths on common household things. there are the obvious things... like fruits or vegetables... but there are also some more exotic things... they could have their mouths on a one-flower vase, an ice cream scoop, a shaving-cream can, a video-game controller, or we could just say fuck all that... and do action portraits of insanely beautiful women giving head. it could be done in a tasteful manner... everything would be passionate and revealing.... but classy. there is something absolutely amazing about an act such as fellatio or its counterpart cunnilingus. the only pleasure that the performer of the act receives is knowing that the person that they are performing the act on is being provided with a series of pleasant sensations leading to a climax. unless the act is being done for money there is a true sense of duty or altruism in itt. when you feel attracted to a person to the point where you will put your mouth on them and exert effort solely for their pleasure... there is some interesting emotion-shit going on there. i guess it comes down to subservience and caring... or maybe raw excitable lust. i wonder if females ever get so attracted to a male that they think about how much they would love to give him pleasure.... if they say to themselves "i want to suck his cock"... it is slightly awkward to think about as a male currently sitting alone in my room. god, please give me a window into the internal dialogues of this list of attractive women.... hahahhahahaha god would never do that ever.

actually, i find it strange because that is not how i think about cunnilingus. when i have performed cunnilingus in the past it has usually been about getting my foot in the door. meaning i have gone down on the girl so i can make her orgasm once and then get her worked up enough so that she just mumbles "fuck me" and i get to ejaculate in her. (((and then i get to ejaculate in her) because she is on the pill) right?) reason has no place in the lust frenzy. however it is not always a matter of being swept up in the lust frenzy. i was once in a long meaningful relationship...



i have vivid memories from the experience... and during those years i would occasionally go down on my girlfriend with no ulterior motives... i would go down on her because i enjoyed listening to her get worked up... i liked watching her mannerisms as she got closer to orgasm... there was a form of momentum... every time i ate her pussy there were physical stages that she would go through... in the early stages she would do things with her hands... she would touch the back of my head... or she would grab at her left breast with her left hand while her right hand held her right leg up behind the knee... during this initial phase she would make an effort to keep her head up... she wasn't necessarily looking at me... we never stressed eye contact... it was more about taking in the scene... she would look beyond me to the posters and drawings that i had on my wall... she would look down at her stomach... she had a nice stomach, with a navel piercing... it was trendy at the time. the last thing she would do with her hands was rest them along the lines of her hip-bones and pull her pussy lips back just slightly by applying pressure and pulling back very gently on the skin in the area where the thighs and the torso meet. that was always around the time that she wanted me to add a finger into the process...


this account is making me feel strange.

i would alternate from fingering her vagina to rubbing and gently fingering her ass. (i really don't like describing things involving the anus in the realm of sexuality... it just seems as though there is no way to completely depart from the association with fart and shit-jokes and whores that need to wear diapers) in this portion of the cunnilingus i would use my fingers and my tongue and get her going toward orgasm... the stress on her hands became less from this point on. a hand could come to rest on one of her tits or she would reach out to the pillows next to her... sometimes she would reach to the head-board above her... whatever she did with her hands the emphasis switched to her hips and her lower abdominal muscles... in this phase she would be breathing heavy and alternating between saying things in a breathless voice or just trying to hold back moans and breathing hard... her hips didn't move wildly but there was more motion than when we got started... her stomach muscles would be tensed and a sheen of sweat had built... the image of her in this first noticeable sweat stage was very pleasant... her hairline... from one ear up over her forehead to the other ear would be slightly damp... so that the hair at the transition from smooth skin to pulled-back hair would be slightly darker than the rest... her face remained the same... there were some tiny beads of sweat but it was a very minor shine... at the nape of her neck there were tiny beads and the curves of her tits were highlighted by the gleam of the sweat. and her stomach looked great with the sweat and the tensed muscles... it was obvious that she was physiologically engaged in something that had grabbed her attention.

the last stage involved me laying off the finger portion and focusing all power on the clit... she would half-mumble and let me know that she was getting close... so everything would continue to build and then i would feel her body go into a quake mode... her hips would start to shake and her breathing would change slightly... it became obvious when she was coming because she was no longer reacting to the stimulation i was putting on her clit... it became more about something that she was feeling internally... sometimes it would go on for a while and sometimes it was brief... sometimes it would happen multiple times and sometimes it was one shot and the clit got too tender... maybe the times she said it was tender she just wanted to avoid sex... i don't know... women know how to manipulate and keep the important white lies as unknowns. i.e. the numerous get out of sex tools... but the great thing about watching her orgasm was that it seemed as though she was suspended in moment... as intimate as our connection had been moments before... she was off in some world of sensation that i had no access to... her hips were no longer thrusting toward my tongue... her body was shuddering inward.

i have no idea what she experienced... i never asked her to give me a phenomenological account of one of her orgasms... we talked about what it felt like in general... during a glowing perfection talk as we flopped down sweating after an intense session... but i never got as detailed in my line of questioning as i was in my subjective thoughts.

so i never felt as though i was fulfilling a duty or being an altruist or being subservient... but for some reason i believe that that is what is happening when other people engage in oral sex... i just found myself as an observer... it is as though i was doing the physical act on cruise control... i knew what i was doing and i developed a technique of sorts... improvisation was not uncommon... sometimes it may have made her orgasms better... sometimes worse... she never complained... but i was more involved in the process of watching her mannerisms and feeling the contours of her vagina... and my own phenomenological experience with a clit at the end of my tongue... it was refreshingly simple... lust lead to a certain place... she wanted something... i was willing to do it... and i loved her so i was even happy to do it... but even with the love factor it was just a stepping stone at times... i just wanted to get my penis in her vagina... total respect and all i was just a fiend for pinning her legs up and pulling her hair back... so cunnilingus is just strange... it made me into an observer... and observer with an absolutely intimate and unbelievable perspective... i saw her anus up-close... her vagina up-close... i slapped her clit... nibbled her clit... rubbed my nose on her clit... but i wasn't really an agent in those moments... i was watching it all happen.

i think we said we were in love simply because we were comfortable enough with each other to do all that shit unashamed... we had very few boundaries... but i was an observer... i was never fully there. i don't know if i am fully here at any time... i don't know what being fully here is... and i am the one using the terminology.

maybe i am trying to get around to the point that i ascribe certain viewpoints and ways of being to others that i have no right to be ascribing. i know the way that i think i do things... but i have no idea about the way others do things... at least as far as attitude and perceptual mode during oral sex performance... but i do know that the entire realm of orgasms and the things that get us there is completely absurd... i'm just not sure that i have common ground with my peers on this one... not that it matters... it simply seems as though i am emotionally absent... and that my default mode is observational... i miss out on the pleasure of the agent... i am busy analyzing and ascribing.


introspection aside, i would love to investigate the complexity of the lust process while looking at the face of some extremely beautiful bitch with my penis in her mouth... that is right... i want to have a conversation with alessandra ambrosio about what she was thinking while sucking my cock. i wonder if she would swallow without missing a beat or talking about it?


i will just mention that alessandra ambrosio really doesn't deserve my respect... but she has it.

the physical world. the domain of angles and combinations... my area of expertise. i should be an aesthetics god.

maybe i just want everything to be a series of images that i can look at in the safety of my scum lair.

god help me.





i don't know what that means.