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the composition makes it meaningful.

and i am stranded over-thinking. it is clear when that is going on. those are the times when i sound like a faggot.

you know those times? when you know you just sounded like a faggot. you know them times?

it's like i always want to get passionate but the structure of the social scene holds me down. i can't do my thing because the people around me are such drones. they are all sheep man. so i just stay in my room... depressed and afraid. afraid that i will eventually have to prove to someone that i am not a worthless piece of shit. afraid that i will have to leave the soap-box and produce a body of work that legitimizes my position in the scheme. but man... it is so hard to do that when everyone is focused on getting fucked up and having sex... i mean of course i want those things too... but there should be other passions. people should be reading for pleasure and like... getting involved. why is it so bad to get into political debates? people should be willing to engage in intellectual discussions without worrying about how hugely gay they are... even the use of the word gay... rip me a new ass-hole if you are ideologically opposed to the use of fag/gay in the slang sense. rip that new ass-hole with your cock you stud. i know you are hung like a bull.

anyway... the real issue is that i don't agree with the lifestyles that i see my peers wrapped up in. i want them to like me and i want to like them... but it is very difficult when frivolity is the center-piece around which the mode of conduct revolves. i need people to want to talk the way i want to talk. i need to get out of my rut by becoming part of a social scene... i am smart and athletic... but no one likes the music that i listen to or wants to talk about the things that i want to talk about. i make sure that my appearance is enough in-line with the style paradigm to be accepted... i just don't get what i am doing wrong. why can't i be one of the guys that all the cute girls pal around with? i want to be allowed to slap their asses and talk about dicks to them. i know that sounds strange... but it is part of feeling good about life... i want to have a situation in which i can joke with cute girls... i want them to be my friends and possible fuck-partners... but it never seems to work out that way. i am always on the outside. i just have to stay true to my style... i can't bend or break... i won't be able to live with myself no matter what physical/status rewards i may receive. i refuse to poison my body and mind with the substance and the content of the conduct that is so rampantly flowing through my surroundings. i have to isolate myself to avoid allowing the ignorance to obtain. i refuse to sacrifice my viewpoint just to get some hot pussy. as great as hot-girls pussy could be... it can't compare to integrity.

laugh it up... i'm a faggot. i know that is what you are thinking... and if you aren't you are probably a liberal idiot of some sort that likes to be accepting of other people's ways. and there is probably a sub-group of you liberal idiots that buy into cultural relativism. you are fucking morons and i actually am a faggot... so if you thought that what i was saying was legitimate then you need to check your fucking brain out.

i believe in what i am saying... i hate the frivolous and the bohemian... but i am a douchbag... i don't have my shit on straight... and anyone that lives a practical life despite doubts about the culture and feels as though they can relate to what i have been saying here... needs to stop reading the newspaper and observe a class of middle-school students for a day... remember what this shit is all about. it is all about a pecking order and finding a place in it. the only special thing is the feeling of success. assholes like me live miserable depressed lives and it all boils down to nothing... so all the time that i am spending in this purgatory is nothing more than an experiment that will not yield useful results. i am a fucking waste of life... and i will continue to look down upon you as you do the right thing with your alcohol dicks and pussies wagging in the winds of fornication and prop posturing.

i love you you fucking mannequins.